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Post by Christopher on Aug 25, 2014 10:06:20 GMT
I agree with Chris about the first line. It sounds like you're trying to get into the scene quickly so the reader doesn't have time compose themselves and get comfortable. It works, but I can't get Life of Brian out of my head. I think everything else works. It does it's job and it's enjoyable to read. We have confusion, but that was intended. We're empathising with this main character. "A quiet voice sounded next to me and I could tell that whatever the guard was saying, it was about me." Maybe she felt the guard was talking in her direction? So the distress signal the crew discover is from this skirmish? Maybe you could mention something like - with any luck, someone sounded an alert or a distress call on all channels before they were taken down? Whatever happens, I want to find out more about THIS character!
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Post by Rachel on Aug 26, 2014 19:30:07 GMT
I've made some changes based on your opinions. Any thoughts?
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Post by Christopher on Aug 27, 2014 8:44:59 GMT
Maybe you could set up the Zach 'pig's flying' comment beforehand, so when he says it, the reader can have a 'That's our Zach' moment. Always with the clichés.
You shouldn't feel like an idiot. We all do it. We get into the story, and sometimes a little TOO into it, and we write something that is just a little too intense. I think it might be due to the pacing of writing being different to the pacing of reading, or maybe the time day/night you write it.
I didn't think it was Charlie (that first part). I'd actually written a full comment but deleted it prior to sending the first critique on it. In it i'd put him/her he/she/they all the way through. It looked a bit much. I tried to make a joke out of it, but my dry sense of humour could come over as stiff/misguided if you don't know me. I decided to just go with Chris and put she. I didn't want to. Felt like I was prejudging the gender, but as Chris knows you, I thought maybe you'd inferred something to him in casual chat?
yeah, I think the guy's stomach needs just a couple of words to set it up beforehand.
It's really good though. If I hadn't been in the mind to pick things up, I would've just read through it and enjoyed it. Job done.
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Post by Rachel on Aug 27, 2014 11:43:53 GMT
Thanks for re-reading it and making some comments. ^^ Much appreciated. Okay, I was just checking to see if there was any particular reason to why you would say 'she'. Some very good comments and I will go back over it. Thanks.
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Post by Chris on Aug 31, 2014 15:21:37 GMT
I agree with Christopher pretty much! The new version is an improvement, and the new opening bit fits very well to kick things off with a bang without being too obvious about it. I like that a lot more now.
This is a specific thing I didn't mention the first time and feel free to disown me for saying this if it's just me, but the first line ---
"Charlie shuffled in her seat. Her new position lasted six seconds before she slouched further into the chair, one hand pressed between her legs. She pulled the still warm cup of coffee closer to her chest and wriggled once more."
Is there some sort of sexual connotation there? The first few lines of a book are often loaded with specific placements of words and images to set a scene or foreshadow, so I immediately thought - right, one hand (own hand) between legs, warmth pulled close to the chest - some kind of sex and loneliness is being suggested. Is that significant - should the reader be prepared for some kind of theme there?
Or is it just, as I fear, that I am lonely and have my mind in the gutter?
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Post by Christopher on Aug 31, 2014 16:22:53 GMT
I didn't see that, but now you've pointed it out, I'll think I'll go grab a cold shower.
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Post by Rachel on Aug 31, 2014 17:15:03 GMT
GONNA CHANGE THAT RIGHT NOW. NO. THAT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL.
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Post by Chris on Aug 31, 2014 18:03:53 GMT
lol! All right, I will expect my Certificate of Sexual Deviancy in the post, well done me.
In all seriousness though - I wouldn't necessarily remove it, intentional or not. It sets up an image of a cold atmosphere where everyone is a bit lonely. Opening with the (slight, almost subliminal) suggestion of sex being awkward, cramped and solo does give a sort of feel that this character has nowhere to go and no-one to...... I'm digging a massive hole now aren't I.
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Post by Rachel on Aug 31, 2014 18:09:43 GMT
yes you are. I can never look at it the same way now.
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Post by Chris on Aug 31, 2014 18:15:51 GMT
*Trying to come up with another joke about this.....
*no. xD
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Post by Rachel on Aug 31, 2014 18:19:24 GMT
Please don't
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Post by Christopher on Aug 31, 2014 18:31:21 GMT
I don't see it as sexual. She's wriggling and trying to get comfortable. Then she mentions the coffee so you can see she's talking about circulation or warmth. I honestly don't see the line as sexual. But if you see it, Chris, others will probably see it that way too.
There IS a sentence I just can't used to in the opening paragraph where the prisoner says they're fucked. I don't think that sounds right. Sounds too harsh. 'Shit. I was fucked'. Don't think it sounds right.
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Post by Chris on Aug 31, 2014 18:33:24 GMT
In all seriousness, I thought it had sexual connotations, not that it was literally about sex. I thought it might be a suggestion. Like when a story opens in a doorway or a bridge to suggest something 'between worlds' will happen.
But anyway! It wasn't meant to do that, so never mind.
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Post by Rachel on Aug 31, 2014 18:36:53 GMT
too harsh? In what sense, like it's too harsh on their situation and on them? Yeah I'll tweak the line just in case there are others out there who get the same idea
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Post by Christopher on Aug 31, 2014 20:45:13 GMT
Your mind is always in the gutter, Chris The I'm fucked bit. It sounds out of place. "The last thing I remembered was… I panicked. Shit. I was fucked." - 'I tried to remember what I'd been doing and I could feel myself begin to panic as the realisation hit me. I was fucked.' The idea is still the same. Is there a difference or is it just me?
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