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Post by Chris on Sept 1, 2014 21:58:00 GMT
Just written a new poem - it's still an early draft, but honestly I quite like it! Anne's classes at Uni taught me that this means nothing and it might be rubbish -- or at least, that other people's reactions are a huge bonus at this stage.
As always any feedback is appreciated a lot but don't feel obligated at all - I already got two of you to read my fantasy story! Is it boring? Does it all make sense? Are there bits that seem out of place? Are there ugly cliches?
Yin Yang
Peering, I hold her like an alien, trying to do that two become one, reunited and it feels so good, perfect circle made of cushioned angles kind of thing in the dark.
One of two nipples touches me and my startled hairs raise the silent alarm, I uncoil, tense my thighs, black out my pupils and stiffen like Juliet, thinking of Trojans, not moving
until a breeze soothes my feet-skin and hers, presumably. Her body - her small, not mine, not brother, not male species - willowy, baby, pettish, honey, celestial, prods at me.
She gives me a look I don’t know and we laugh and kiss, shove our half-moons back in, refreshing our impression on the bed, cover our mismatched colours, relax, slip away.
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Post by Christopher on Sept 2, 2014 12:18:23 GMT
My instant reaction is that I think it would sound better not being first person. It feels to me like YOU'RE describing a 'sexual' encounter to me, rather than me reading about one. Not that you revile me. Let's not go THERE. I don't know. One of two nipples. That sounds sterile. shove our half moons back in? Say WHA-A-A-A-A-A-T?! I've just read it a second time. It's much better on second reading. Maybe I was just in shock the first time. Still don't know what the half-moon line means lol. Very good though
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Post by Chris on Sept 2, 2014 12:37:31 GMT
Cheers mate. The half-moon thing is one of those 'look at my classical reference aren't I clever' things that I put in and then I cringe at later! It refers to Plato's 'Symposium' in which at one point there is a really beautiful idea about how couples originated as big, singular beings who were cut in two by the Gods as punishment. Male/male beings were of the sun, female/female were of the Earth, and mixed couples were of the moon. (Also in the poem, half moons pressed together resemble the yin yang symbol). Maybe that reference should be more obvious? The nipples thing - yeah I feel odd about that! And sorry to have made you think of the horror of me in bed specifically - I hadn't considered what you said about first person. I'll try writing in in third and see what changes.
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Post by Christopher on Sept 2, 2014 12:58:00 GMT
Aah, Plato. I was supposed to read 'The Republic' (which for some reason I always think of as 'Das Republik' for some weird reason) during my Philosophy 'A' level. I didn't, but I'd already found out I was posted abroad before the exam so didn't bother. Haven't had any contact with his 'Symposium'. Good to have those references. We don't need to know everything. It's not that I'm thinking of YOU in bed. When I read something about two people in bed, I want them to be both female. I have simple tastes. One of two nipples just sounds too basic. 'A nipple' - even though not as descriptive as 'one of two nipples' - I think sounds better. Maybe you could say something creative about the erectness or hardness of 'a nipple touches me'? I'm no poet though. You know better.
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Post by Chris on Sept 2, 2014 13:06:44 GMT
You are a poet, chief. And the Symposium is literally all I know about Plato, and only then because somebody told me to listen to a podcast about it. Ah now, I can argue about the first person actually. There is a point to that - you're supposed to only see one of the two partners. To emphasise that they're not connecting, not becoming 'one'. We see only one POV and to him, she is alien and he doesn't understand her.
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Post by Chris on Sept 2, 2014 13:32:56 GMT
"A foreign nipple presses my front"?
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Post by Christopher on Sept 2, 2014 13:44:57 GMT
don't like the word 'front'. 'flesh'? I don't know. You know the better words. Maybe front is right.
What I mean about the first person is... I don't know what i mean. I think what i mean is, for example: 'I touched myself in my happy place' 'A touch to my happy place'. You know? I don't even know what I mean. No, I think I'm talking bollocks. Ignore the first person stuff I've said.
I don't know about any of the things I said. I'm terribly confused.
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Post by Christopher on Sept 2, 2014 13:51:19 GMT
I think I've arrived at a conclusion. I think when I read something that I myself would've written differently, that's when I make a comment. I think I need to stop writing those things and just comment if I think something is actually wrong (sounding).
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Post by Chris on Sept 2, 2014 16:12:18 GMT
Anything you say is good! It won't mislead me if I *know* I like the way it was.
It's difficult to advise on someone else's poem, rather than story, since the thrust is not immediately obvious and every word is vital.
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