JayP
Novice
Reader, Writer, Friend!
Posts: 2 
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Post by JayP on Aug 29, 2014 13:28:58 GMT
Hey guys! Age: 13+ Tags: Drugs, High School, Teen Life, Realism, Coming of Age, Revenge, Genre: YA/Teen Life Summary: Jason takes the fall for a crime he didn't really commit and seeks revenge on the bullies that landed him in trouble. Need help with: I'm looking for comments on how engaging the piece is and whether or not you think the subject matter works for the genre and any other general comments. I've been playing with an idea for a YA novel for a long while now and I think I've finally got my head around it except for the title. So I'm calling it Project N-YA for now - (Novel - Young Adults) because I'm completely original.  For those in 3rd year fiction you may recognise parts of this! This is first draft of Chapter 1 so don't be too harsh! Project Novel 1..docx (151.41 KB) JayP. |
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Post by Christopher on Aug 29, 2014 15:00:34 GMT
It'll be interesting to see where this is going. a down on his luck kid having to look out for himself at a very young age. It looks like he's going to be a loner, out for revenge. A bit of Notes from the Underground/ Taxi Driver going on, but without the inner turmoil maybe. There were a couple of things I picked up on. You say a simple paperboy. This to me sounds like he's begging us. Looking for sympathy. It would sound better without the 'simple'. I should've made notes. You added an extra 'to' in the sentence where you talk about drugs. And in the next sentence, you more or less repeat the sentiments of the previous sentence regarding not taking drugs. It sounds repetitive rather than consolidating. Apart from that, it looks like a good premise to be going on with. Be good to find out how he goes about his retribution!  |
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Post by Chris on Aug 31, 2014 15:55:47 GMT
Revenge seems like an unusual subject for teen drama - something I'd love to see in an unfamiliar setting, a unique angle. I normally see revenge only in adventure / action or murder stories.
I like the little hints that he's especially intelligent and there's this contrast between his 'ignorance' and his being set up as smart. "I'm too clever to get mixed up in that sort of thing". He sounds lost and unaware at the same time as easily intelligent.
Christopher mentioned he sounds like he's begging for sympathy - I can see that too. In the opening paragraphs he complains and I'm sure he has plenty to complain about, but as a reader since I don't know the situation I don't sympathise yet. And because he's so upset, I'm even a touch suspicious that he might be exaggerating. You know, when somebody goes on Facebook and says, "Well I'm never trusting anyone again, worst day EVER" you don't think 'oh God what happened' you think 'Oh stop being a drama queen, I'm sure it's not that bad'. I kind of felt like that with the opening. I guess I feel 'pressured' by him to take his side when I can't yet. I want to hear the facts first. Maybe one way to change this is, you could start with the description of the youth hostel, so I can think, 'Hm, this sounds like a crappy place to be, and wow his parents disowned him?' and *then* he can be angry about it.
That's the only real criticism I have. I feel like I want him to ease off, stop pressuring me so much to feel bad for him. Aside from that, I would just like to read on! Looks good, makes me want to know more, sounds like a story!
I like the last line a lot. Seems sudden and pointed, loaded with something. Makes me want to know who this Ryan Jackson is, that his name just shuts our man up and makes him so terse.
Really dumb, minor point: Gameboy advance? Why not a 3DS (or 2DS or whatever - the more modern version)?
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so people don't get confused... my author name is the same as my actual name!